The Mindful Mug

This week has been TOUGH, but it’s also been incredible. A few times this week I have laid in bed, not wanting the day to happen. I’ve wanted to stay in bed and sleep, not because I am depressed, because I am tired. I have felt exhausted. Aunt flow paid her visit, I’m low on iron and haven’t been taking my vitamins, or drinking enough water. I haven’t been looking after myself at all.

I’ve got a lot going on. You guys see me post about the cafe. But that’s just surface level. Underneath the surface, away from the cafe and social media, there is so much going on. There is so much good. Like so much and I am really happy with my life. I have a good life. But I am filled with so much sadness right now and I feel so alone.

I haven’t got my family around me. My mum passed away three years ago in July. Since she passed the family dynamics have gone to shit. She was the glue that held us all together. My step dad and I have no relationship now. I had to cut him off. All my life I have battled with him and at the age of almost 30 I got tired of it. So I cut him out of my life.

There is so much that has gone on. So much weight I have carried. Did I go about things in the wrong way. Probably. I am explosive when I reach boiling point. I can be cruel and say things that I know will hurt someone. That’s because I am hurting, but I’ve never been allowed to express myself, so at the age of 30, it’s something I struggle with. I am heading to therapy. But I’ve got to find a therapist first.

Throughout all of this, I didn’t communicate with two of the people I love the most. My nanny and grandpa. Everyone has joked over the years that I never wanted to leave their house. I’d cry and throw a tantrum. I realise it was because it’s the only place I ever felt truly safe. It was the closest to normal I had ever had.

We aren’t close. Things have happened. But I’ve always loved them, thought highly of them both and been incredibly grateful for them accepting me and treating me as their own. But I’ve still had moments when I have felt like an outcast.

But loosing them, turning 30 and recent experiences have got me reflecting and thinking. What’s wrong with me? I thought I had learnt to accept myself and all my flaws. Love myself. But as I write this I feel hollow. I want to build meaningful relationships with people. But I either shy away, push them away or scare them away. I’m either too much, or too little. There is no in between.

Since deciding to start the mindful mug. I have met so many incredible people. But have I built relationships that have blossomed into friendships? Like proper friendships. Not really no. But then I question do I even know what a proper friendship is? Am I too selfish? To fiery? Too open? I don’t know. I just know I feel alone and a bit broken if I am honest with you.

I guess that’s why I keep myself so busy. So I haven’t got time to think of anything else.

I know I said this week has been tough and it has. But I also have so much to smile for. I’ve met the most incredible and inspirational people, I did my first Cbd 101, it went amazing. I didn’t swear and people have paid attention to it and actually watched it. It’s been a good week. My peace has now been interrupted. It was nice whilst it lasted. I’ll do a proper round up tomorrow. I’ll reflect on my week properly, it’s been a long and emotional day.